I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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