there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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