i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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