I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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