remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
