Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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