im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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