Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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