So drunk its hurt
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
