Sry I called you an 8
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
