New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize