im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
