Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize