if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
