Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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