Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
