Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
