The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
