only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
