i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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