I'm sorry my penis didn't work
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
