The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize