I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
