people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
