I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
