i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
