Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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