five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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