I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
