Please, let me fuck your mom
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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