she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
