if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
