Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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