Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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