i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
