when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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