listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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