She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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