The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
