Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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