Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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