If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
