he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
