tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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