Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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