They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
