you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Houston, we have a squirter
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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