I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
