I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
