I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I want is dick and wine.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
