I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is it penis luge time yet?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
