Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He better not be in your backpack
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
