I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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