Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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