There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
