i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
