he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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