Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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