Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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